look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
