Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
