I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
