Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
