your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
