If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
