I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
