There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
