My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
