so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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