its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
