Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
