hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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