Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
