he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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