I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
