I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
