I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
