About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So squirting runs in the family.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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