I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
