you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
