My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
