remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Text me some of your sweat
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
