He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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