My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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