i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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