last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
