I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
