That's when you crack a 10am beer
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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