i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
