wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
