I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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