What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
