he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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