theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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