he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
