fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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