how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
They took my balls.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
this is an emotional support booty call
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
