Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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