i think my tv is drunk
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My vagina is officially offended.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
