This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
