If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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