CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
