hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
