I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
