Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
