Cold hands, warm shart.
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
