I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
