the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
