My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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